Why do I have to feel so alone?

Why does it feel like I'm all alone? The one person I thought was my companion for life has moved on it seems. What did I do that was so wrong? Should I even beat myself up trying to figure it out? I thought that if I offered my love and commitment to her it would come back. I guess I was wrong. Lately it seems that I have been wrong about most things. People are selfish. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but I never realized that they were this selfish. I wish that I was a kid again. Watching my kids makes me envious. Why can't I have that again?

I don't know where I am. I don't know where I've been.

I tried and I gave up. I have nothing else to offer. I miss my kids, her, my family. I have struggled through up until this point. I feel it slipping away, but it doesn't matter anymore. I see people slipping away, but it doesn't matter anymore. No self esteem, no desire, no purpose anymore. I wish I had the courage to end it all, but I've lost that too.

Get A Load of This!

Fucking people! Check out this one. My ex-roommate insecure as he is actually had a restraining order put on me. His reason for this restraining order was that I supposedly made a threat to kill him. What bullshit! What the dumb motherfucker meant to say was that he owes me more than $3000,and that he is afraid that I might fuck his girlfriend. Make sure to do that paternity test motherfucker. You might be in for a little surprise. People don't appreciate shit. Take a stupid fucker in, save not only his ass, but his son,girlfriend, and even his dog's ass, and what do you get? FUCKED THAT IS WHAT. I am going to get my money BITCH. Whether or not I have to sue or use another little something,something. Remember who you are fucking with Prick! You haven't got a chance. You fucking scared, worthless, piece of ungrateful shit.

FUCK THIS STATE AND ALL THE BULLSHIT

FUUUUUUCK! ONCE AGAIN THE STATE OF AZ & IT'S JUDICIAL SYSTEM SHOW THEIR TRUE COLORS. YELLOW! HOW CAN A BITCH NOT HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD, WHILE THEIR X (THAT THEY CHEATED ON AND THEN LEFT) LOSES EVERYTHING INCLUDING HIS KIDS & DIGNITY? HOW DOES A JUDGE JUSTIFY PUTTING A PERSON WHO HAS WORKED SO HARD FOR HIS FAMILY TO LIVE ON THE STREETS, WHILE SHE TAKES HIS BEAUTIFUL BABIES. TO FIND OUT HIS SOUL MATE WAS REALLY JUST A FUCKING PROSTITUTE WASN'T HARD ENOUGH, BUT TO MAKE HIM LOOK AND FEEL LIKE HE WAS THE ONE WHO FAILED HIS FAMILY WHEN SHE CANT EVEN GET A JOB TO HELP. FUUUUUUUUUUUK! I'M DONE WITH IT ALL. DONE WITH TRYING TO BE THE RATIONAL ADULT. DONE WITH PEOPLE WHO ONLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEMSELVES. FROM HERE ON OUT YOU MAY REFER TO ME AS THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE & REMEMBER THAT YOU TURNED ME INTO HIM. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE WAY I SHOULD BE OR WHO I AM RIGHT NOW! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING TICKS. DON'T EVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THIS ASSHOLE EVER AGAIN. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR CORRUPT MAN HATING JUDICIAL PREJUDICE. MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countintg down

Still haven seen the kids. I have basically given up on most things. I'm almost
at exactly a month before my home is gone. I haven't heard from my brother in almost
two weeks, and I have pissed my mom off to the point that she told me not to bother even calling her. I have no food in my house and my head is pounding. I haven't had a cigarette at all today. I have no money. My Phones will be shut off soon if I don't pay, I have to hide my truck out so that they wont impound it. Why the FUCK is this happening to me. Just when I get what i feel is a grasp on life I lose it all. It doesn't matter anymore. In a way I almost feel a sense of relief knowing that i will have nothing left. It's as if I realize that without nothing nothing to lose. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhaahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter. I woke up to a house that was torn apart. I was hot and sweaty. I wasn't greeted by a "Happy Easter" from my two babies. I didn't hear their mom telling them to jump on me to get me out of bed. I woke up feeling dead inside. Feeling like my fucking world had collapsed. I miss what I used to have, and this is just another fucking reminder of my failures. So Happy Easter everyone. Just leave me the Fuck out of it. I don't want your happiness. I want mine back!

Soul Jackers

22 miles of hard roads. 33 years of tough luck. 44 skulls buried in the ground. go on down through the muck.

Lost Faith. What Now?

Well it seems that I have been writing quite a bit here these last two days. The reason I guess is to stay sane. I believe I could easily slip into a place where no person could ever find me. Have I lost complete faith? I keep trying to convince myself that I just need some time to think. Some time to gather my thoughts and come up with a plan. The fucking phone keeps ringing and ringing. I have emails and text messages coming by the second. The kids voices are pounding in my head. They need me, but right now I need me. Why can't I just be left alone for five fucking minutes. Why can't somebody return the gesture that I have graciously offered to them? Don't let my babies see me like this. I feel like every person in this fucked up world is tearing at me. They are pulling me down. Now I know what the Downward Spiral is like. I feel like I'm trapped. Everything is spinning so fast. To fast for me to see clearly. I can't breathe, and when I finally do my breathing is short, deep, and drawn out. Why am I holding my breath? Why am I doing anything at all? I just need a break. I just need someone to hold me. I really just Need EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to deal with people right now. I guess I don't want to deal with anything right now. This is what scares me the most. I'm not this person, but right now there is no one else here, so I must be. This isn't me! Oh but it is. There goes the Fucking phone again. Hold on baby I'm coming. Why can't the world just go fuck itself and leave me be. Take it all, because I don't need it anymore. I had something once, but now I don't even know myself. If you don't know yourself how can you have faith in others?