Soul Jackers

22 miles of hard roads. 33 years of tough luck. 44 skulls buried in the ground. go on down through the muck.

Lost Faith. What Now?

Well it seems that I have been writing quite a bit here these last two days. The reason I guess is to stay sane. I believe I could easily slip into a place where no person could ever find me. Have I lost complete faith? I keep trying to convince myself that I just need some time to think. Some time to gather my thoughts and come up with a plan. The fucking phone keeps ringing and ringing. I have emails and text messages coming by the second. The kids voices are pounding in my head. They need me, but right now I need me. Why can't I just be left alone for five fucking minutes. Why can't somebody return the gesture that I have graciously offered to them? Don't let my babies see me like this. I feel like every person in this fucked up world is tearing at me. They are pulling me down. Now I know what the Downward Spiral is like. I feel like I'm trapped. Everything is spinning so fast. To fast for me to see clearly. I can't breathe, and when I finally do my breathing is short, deep, and drawn out. Why am I holding my breath? Why am I doing anything at all? I just need a break. I just need someone to hold me. I really just Need EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to deal with people right now. I guess I don't want to deal with anything right now. This is what scares me the most. I'm not this person, but right now there is no one else here, so I must be. This isn't me! Oh but it is. There goes the Fucking phone again. Hold on baby I'm coming. Why can't the world just go fuck itself and leave me be. Take it all, because I don't need it anymore. I had something once, but now I don't even know myself. If you don't know yourself how can you have faith in others?

I Love this Girl

Bev,
You are a very special person. I would be the luckiest man alive to have you for myself. I'm sorry that I never pressed harder to get that kiss. The reason behind me not trying harder was not that I didn't have feelings for you , but that I respect you for the person you are. That beautiful young woman who understood me, who cared for me, who nurtured me back to my true self. Although, I didn't press harder please know that I will always love you. I need you to know that I will think every night about what that kiss would have been like. I need you to know that what we share is so much more than I've ever known. Please don't forget me and the times we had. I will always be waiting for you. Waiting for you to finally find the courage & when that time arrives know that I will be there.
love always,
mike

Why Does The Good Guy Finish Last?

Once again my efforts are useless. I put everything on the line for another person and end up with nothing except more hurt feelings. I don't even know why I bother with this thing called LOVE. Every time I do it ends up with my heart being ripped out. Well my roommates are now gone. It seems that the girl I was hoping would be the one really wasn't. We were all supposed to go on a camping trip. The emotion around the house was high. Everyone seemed excited to go for the weekend. Everyone, but me. Who wants to be the third wheel? It has started to get a little awkward for everyone. (as I had posted earlier) my feelings for Bev have been growing with every day that passes. I see a beautiful woman standing in front of me with so much potential. This girl is smart, beautiful, caring, loving, devoted, yet she lacks the courage to do what many feel is necessary. She can't leave this particular guy. She needs to leave him, but she is in "LOVE" ( I hate this fucking word!), and she feels that they have gone through so much together. Well the reason they have been through so much is that he brings it upon himself. Everywhere he goes a black cloud follows. He has been unemployed for over three years now. The only person that he will ever care for is himself. He is such a selfish prick. Why do these fuckers always seem to be loved, and the rest of us, the guys who would do anything for a woman like this get their hearts handed to them. Many times I had to stop myself from reaching out and ripping this mother fucker's face off. He would go on about how this girl was just a rebound that never left. How she was so "niggardly" because she wasn't cleaning up after his fucking ass. She was just a babysitter with benefits. Lately it was getting harder and harder to listen to anything that came out of his mouth. I can't believe the way she bends over backwards to make him happy, and he has no respect for her. Not one bit. He is always talking about his ex. Hell he is always with his ex. while bev is at home raising his kid. The thing that gets me is that she knows all of this and she still feels like she needs him. She doesn't need this bastard at all. He doesn't deserve a woman like her. What will it take for her to realize that he is a fuck off? That he will destroy her life. I mean the guy has no chance in hell to ever amount to anything. He doesn't have the balls to be a man. He will never be able to provide for a family. The only way he survives is spongeing off others. I don't want to sound jealous, but in a way I am. Why should a person like this get someone so special? How could a guy like this destroy such a beautiful woman's life? How?
If she was to be with me, I would treat her like a queen. She is a queen. She makes the world a better place to be, and deserves the best in life. I would give her anything that she desires in life. I would take care of her and his kid. She is a person who gives and keeps on giving. She would make anyone feel special, and this fuck doesn't see that? I realize that their past may be hard to throw away, but she needs to look to the future. If she stays with him I would be willing to bet her future is very grim. She does not deserve this. Why can't she leave? Why does she see, but can't let him go? I've witnessed her strength, but why is she so weak when it comes to this? I love you Bev, and want to spend my life with you. Why can't a good guy catch a break once in awhile?