Why do I have to feel so alone?

Why does it feel like I'm all alone? The one person I thought was my companion for life has moved on it seems. What did I do that was so wrong? Should I even beat myself up trying to figure it out? I thought that if I offered my love and commitment to her it would come back. I guess I was wrong. Lately it seems that I have been wrong about most things. People are selfish. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but I never realized that they were this selfish. I wish that I was a kid again. Watching my kids makes me envious. Why can't I have that again?

I don't know where I am. I don't know where I've been.

I tried and I gave up. I have nothing else to offer. I miss my kids, her, my family. I have struggled through up until this point. I feel it slipping away, but it doesn't matter anymore. I see people slipping away, but it doesn't matter anymore. No self esteem, no desire, no purpose anymore. I wish I had the courage to end it all, but I've lost that too.

Get A Load of This!

Fucking people! Check out this one. My ex-roommate insecure as he is actually had a restraining order put on me. His reason for this restraining order was that I supposedly made a threat to kill him. What bullshit! What the dumb motherfucker meant to say was that he owes me more than $3000,and that he is afraid that I might fuck his girlfriend. Make sure to do that paternity test motherfucker. You might be in for a little surprise. People don't appreciate shit. Take a stupid fucker in, save not only his ass, but his son,girlfriend, and even his dog's ass, and what do you get? FUCKED THAT IS WHAT. I am going to get my money BITCH. Whether or not I have to sue or use another little something,something. Remember who you are fucking with Prick! You haven't got a chance. You fucking scared, worthless, piece of ungrateful shit.

FUCK THIS STATE AND ALL THE BULLSHIT

FUUUUUUCK! ONCE AGAIN THE STATE OF AZ & IT'S JUDICIAL SYSTEM SHOW THEIR TRUE COLORS. YELLOW! HOW CAN A BITCH NOT HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD, WHILE THEIR X (THAT THEY CHEATED ON AND THEN LEFT) LOSES EVERYTHING INCLUDING HIS KIDS & DIGNITY? HOW DOES A JUDGE JUSTIFY PUTTING A PERSON WHO HAS WORKED SO HARD FOR HIS FAMILY TO LIVE ON THE STREETS, WHILE SHE TAKES HIS BEAUTIFUL BABIES. TO FIND OUT HIS SOUL MATE WAS REALLY JUST A FUCKING PROSTITUTE WASN'T HARD ENOUGH, BUT TO MAKE HIM LOOK AND FEEL LIKE HE WAS THE ONE WHO FAILED HIS FAMILY WHEN SHE CANT EVEN GET A JOB TO HELP. FUUUUUUUUUUUK! I'M DONE WITH IT ALL. DONE WITH TRYING TO BE THE RATIONAL ADULT. DONE WITH PEOPLE WHO ONLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEMSELVES. FROM HERE ON OUT YOU MAY REFER TO ME AS THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE & REMEMBER THAT YOU TURNED ME INTO HIM. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE WAY I SHOULD BE OR WHO I AM RIGHT NOW! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING TICKS. DON'T EVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THIS ASSHOLE EVER AGAIN. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR CORRUPT MAN HATING JUDICIAL PREJUDICE. MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countintg down

Still haven seen the kids. I have basically given up on most things. I'm almost
at exactly a month before my home is gone. I haven't heard from my brother in almost
two weeks, and I have pissed my mom off to the point that she told me not to bother even calling her. I have no food in my house and my head is pounding. I haven't had a cigarette at all today. I have no money. My Phones will be shut off soon if I don't pay, I have to hide my truck out so that they wont impound it. Why the FUCK is this happening to me. Just when I get what i feel is a grasp on life I lose it all. It doesn't matter anymore. In a way I almost feel a sense of relief knowing that i will have nothing left. It's as if I realize that without nothing nothing to lose. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhaahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter. I woke up to a house that was torn apart. I was hot and sweaty. I wasn't greeted by a "Happy Easter" from my two babies. I didn't hear their mom telling them to jump on me to get me out of bed. I woke up feeling dead inside. Feeling like my fucking world had collapsed. I miss what I used to have, and this is just another fucking reminder of my failures. So Happy Easter everyone. Just leave me the Fuck out of it. I don't want your happiness. I want mine back!

Soul Jackers

22 miles of hard roads. 33 years of tough luck. 44 skulls buried in the ground. go on down through the muck.

Lost Faith. What Now?

Well it seems that I have been writing quite a bit here these last two days. The reason I guess is to stay sane. I believe I could easily slip into a place where no person could ever find me. Have I lost complete faith? I keep trying to convince myself that I just need some time to think. Some time to gather my thoughts and come up with a plan. The fucking phone keeps ringing and ringing. I have emails and text messages coming by the second. The kids voices are pounding in my head. They need me, but right now I need me. Why can't I just be left alone for five fucking minutes. Why can't somebody return the gesture that I have graciously offered to them? Don't let my babies see me like this. I feel like every person in this fucked up world is tearing at me. They are pulling me down. Now I know what the Downward Spiral is like. I feel like I'm trapped. Everything is spinning so fast. To fast for me to see clearly. I can't breathe, and when I finally do my breathing is short, deep, and drawn out. Why am I holding my breath? Why am I doing anything at all? I just need a break. I just need someone to hold me. I really just Need EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to deal with people right now. I guess I don't want to deal with anything right now. This is what scares me the most. I'm not this person, but right now there is no one else here, so I must be. This isn't me! Oh but it is. There goes the Fucking phone again. Hold on baby I'm coming. Why can't the world just go fuck itself and leave me be. Take it all, because I don't need it anymore. I had something once, but now I don't even know myself. If you don't know yourself how can you have faith in others?

I Love this Girl

Bev,
You are a very special person. I would be the luckiest man alive to have you for myself. I'm sorry that I never pressed harder to get that kiss. The reason behind me not trying harder was not that I didn't have feelings for you , but that I respect you for the person you are. That beautiful young woman who understood me, who cared for me, who nurtured me back to my true self. Although, I didn't press harder please know that I will always love you. I need you to know that I will think every night about what that kiss would have been like. I need you to know that what we share is so much more than I've ever known. Please don't forget me and the times we had. I will always be waiting for you. Waiting for you to finally find the courage & when that time arrives know that I will be there.
love always,
mike

Why Does The Good Guy Finish Last?

Once again my efforts are useless. I put everything on the line for another person and end up with nothing except more hurt feelings. I don't even know why I bother with this thing called LOVE. Every time I do it ends up with my heart being ripped out. Well my roommates are now gone. It seems that the girl I was hoping would be the one really wasn't. We were all supposed to go on a camping trip. The emotion around the house was high. Everyone seemed excited to go for the weekend. Everyone, but me. Who wants to be the third wheel? It has started to get a little awkward for everyone. (as I had posted earlier) my feelings for Bev have been growing with every day that passes. I see a beautiful woman standing in front of me with so much potential. This girl is smart, beautiful, caring, loving, devoted, yet she lacks the courage to do what many feel is necessary. She can't leave this particular guy. She needs to leave him, but she is in "LOVE" ( I hate this fucking word!), and she feels that they have gone through so much together. Well the reason they have been through so much is that he brings it upon himself. Everywhere he goes a black cloud follows. He has been unemployed for over three years now. The only person that he will ever care for is himself. He is such a selfish prick. Why do these fuckers always seem to be loved, and the rest of us, the guys who would do anything for a woman like this get their hearts handed to them. Many times I had to stop myself from reaching out and ripping this mother fucker's face off. He would go on about how this girl was just a rebound that never left. How she was so "niggardly" because she wasn't cleaning up after his fucking ass. She was just a babysitter with benefits. Lately it was getting harder and harder to listen to anything that came out of his mouth. I can't believe the way she bends over backwards to make him happy, and he has no respect for her. Not one bit. He is always talking about his ex. Hell he is always with his ex. while bev is at home raising his kid. The thing that gets me is that she knows all of this and she still feels like she needs him. She doesn't need this bastard at all. He doesn't deserve a woman like her. What will it take for her to realize that he is a fuck off? That he will destroy her life. I mean the guy has no chance in hell to ever amount to anything. He doesn't have the balls to be a man. He will never be able to provide for a family. The only way he survives is spongeing off others. I don't want to sound jealous, but in a way I am. Why should a person like this get someone so special? How could a guy like this destroy such a beautiful woman's life? How?
If she was to be with me, I would treat her like a queen. She is a queen. She makes the world a better place to be, and deserves the best in life. I would give her anything that she desires in life. I would take care of her and his kid. She is a person who gives and keeps on giving. She would make anyone feel special, and this fuck doesn't see that? I realize that their past may be hard to throw away, but she needs to look to the future. If she stays with him I would be willing to bet her future is very grim. She does not deserve this. Why can't she leave? Why does she see, but can't let him go? I've witnessed her strength, but why is she so weak when it comes to this? I love you Bev, and want to spend my life with you. Why can't a good guy catch a break once in awhile?

Arizona "The Inequality State"

I feel like screaming from the top of my fucking lungs, but I'm afraid of going back to jail. I 'm so sick of getting fucked over because of the fact that I have a penis. It seems in the state of Arizona that males have no rights. This is not just some petty call for attention. This fucking state thrives on denying men of our right, the right to be a"Fucking MAN". The nice people that head the AZ justice courts seem to think that a father is just some asshole sperm donor. They seem to think that us men couldn't possibly know what is best for our children. Who has ever heard of the man going to jail because of a restraining order that his ex. had him served with, and then shows up at HIS home to scream and yell at the poor bastard. I'll tell you who. Probably 98% percent of all men arrested for DV in Arizona. You would think that the responsible party would be the one that receives the trip to the pokey. Get that Fucking thought out of your head. Look between your legs, do you have a cock? See Yaaaaaaa Motherfucker. It is also quite comforting to know that if your children are ever placed in harms way by their mother, and you as the father seeks temporary custody until the dumb bitch figures out where she is going to stay for longer than 2 days, that as a male you will not get the chance to speak to an actual judge. You will sit for hours filling out custody papers that the judges assistant may look over if you can convince her that you have a good reason to be requesting custody. Meanwhile 12 other people (all women) get a red carpet to the Bench. Or what about after this emergency custody is denied, and you finally call the police to escort you to where your children are so you may see them for the first time in a month, you have been threatened numerous times by the old perverted man your ex. is staying with, your ex's best friend calls you up and tells you that your ex. is really a drug using hooker that has slept with everyone excluding you for the past 2 years, she also happens to mention that she got a call a couple nights before from the ex. asking her if she thought that the old perverted guy could be a child molester. Yeah real comforting when you go through all of this, and you show up to court, get served with a bogus order of protection, and all of a sudden YOUR emergency custody hearing is really a trial for you. Meaning, you do get custody of your children, but only on the weekends. This is after you explain to the Judge that your ex. likes to go out for days at a time and party, and when asked she confirms this is true. So now you are a Fucking Babysitter while the ex. is out to party. Nothing is done about the old pervert, nothing is mentioned about the safety and well being of the kids, and once again you are stripped of your dignity. It really starts to hit home when the bailiff is escorting you out of the courtroom, and you mention something about your rights as a male, and his response is "You have no rights, the only right you have is to be castrated." Well I could go on for hours about how this state brings down the man, but I have to go get ready for another meeting with my attorney. The same attorney that I am paying quite well to keep me out of jail so I don't lose everything I have struggled for, because of that same bogus order of protection, all the while the ex. is on to her third place to stay, her third male friend, and still has no job after 4 months and is collecting pay checks from me. "THE LOSER that doesn't love his kids" because he once again doesn't know where they are. WHAT A FUCKED UP STATE. Please comment. It's time that the Man regains his right to be a loving DAD, a Father, and the most hated group in the state of AZ, "MEN".
Oh Yeah! Did I forget to mention that there is not one piece of literature in the courthouses that cover "The rights of Men" but a person could find days worth of information for "Women's rights" Why is this?

ahhhhhh Kate

Things are really starting to get Strange

Well now things around the house are starting to get strange. My roommate is suspecting that something is going on. Nothing has yet, but if he continues to treat her the way he has I will make a move. Although I like him as a friend, I feel that she deserves more than what he is giving. He has been asking her a lot of questions and accusing. As of yet he has not confronted me. I don't think it will be to much longer. The weird thing is the stranger that things seem to get the more I am falling for this girl. Just had to get this off my chest. Please feel free to post any comments.

What to do?

I guess that I will have to figure out my last questions out by myself. Anyway I haven't added anything for awhile, but for some reason I couldn't sleep and had to talk somebody (even if it is only myself). I have been thinking a lot lately (prob. to much lately) . I have been doing so much thinking that I haven't got much accomplished. Although I have so much to do, I can't seem to get motivated. Once in awhile I feel that everything I had worked so hard for was for no reason. I try not to think this way, but every now and I get thoughts like "what am I doing" "why am I doing it" etc. Up until the last few days the answer was I just don't give a fuck. Within the last few days though, I have found a reason to crawl out of my cave. I really care for a certain person. Up until now I new I cared for her, but I never realized just how much. This certain person is in a relationship, that I feel is no good for her. She is pregnant, but the father doesn't want anything to do with the kid. The father (boyfriend) is a good friend of mine, but he treats her like she is a piece of dirt. This could be farther from the truth. This girl is smart, witty, loving, caring, and has a glow about her that has me awe struck every time I look at her. At first I told myself that I was just helping her out as a friend, but now I'm having a real hard time watching her go her struggles. I've been noticing her doing little things that lead me to believe that she may have similar feelings, but she isn't sure of what exactly to do. Although it is an awkward situation for all of us (considering we are all roomates) I have made a vow to help her out whether he does or not. Also like I said before, he is a friend, I find myself trying to talk to him about his problems, but I am only human. Meaning, sometimes it is really tough not to let him know of my true feelings for her. We have talked about the situation, but haven't really gotten into depth about what we were all going to do. WHAT DO I DO? If you have any logical advice, Please let me know.

This is My first Blog

Hello,
This is my first attempt to create a blog. I would like to dedicate this blog to
the "Love of my life" or so I thought. I needed somewhere I could go to get away from all the bullshit that goes on throughout my day. Feel free to ask, tell, inform, question, scream, yell, put down, compliment, whatever the hell you feel necessary to express yourself here. I want this site to be a place to get some shit off your chest. So I would like to start off by asking the question.

" Why the Fuck do women who have everything in life never seem to appreciate the men who have struggled so hard for them to have this shit?"
&
"Is it possible for a woman to be happy without having to stick another man's dick in the picture?"